by Sharí | May 25, 2019 | B2B Lead Generation, Entrepreneurial Insights, Event & Conference Marketing, Influential Communication, Presence-Forward Marketing & Sales, Thought Leadership
When it comes to influencing others, it's important to understand what motivates them. People are often driven by the pursuit of pleasure or the avoidance of pain, and keeping track of their triggers can help you guide them towards your desired outcome. However, there is a lesser-discussed technique that can be just as effective: understanding their heroes and villains.
Heroes and Villains: In each person's life, there are individuals they admire and aspire to be like, as well as those they reject and aim to avoid becoming. These heroes and villains act as guiding posts, shaping our sense of self and influencing our decisions. By identifying someone's heroes and villains, you can make your message more compelling and increase your chances of success.
Heroes can come from a variety of sources, including family members, friends, industry leaders, celebrities, authors, historical figures, and even fictional characters. They represent qualities that we admire and strive to emulate, such as confidence, discipline, kindness, or success. In contrast, villains represent negative qualities that we seek to avoid, such as dishonesty, laziness, cruelty, or failure.
Using Heroes and Villains to Influence Others: When guiding someone to take action, it can be helpful to reference their heroes and villains to illustrate your point. For example, if you know that your friend looks up to their grandfather as a hero for his strong work ethic, you could remind them of his example when encouraging them to tackle a challenging project. Or, if you know that your colleague views a certain celebrity as a villain for their selfish behavior, you could use that reference to discourage them from taking a similar path.
It's important to note that heroes and villains don't have to be people that someone has met personally. They can also be symbolic figures, such as fictional characters or historical figures. For example, a business owner might use Elon Musk as a hero to inspire them to think bigger and pursue innovative ideas, even if they've never met him in person.
Understanding someone's heroes and villains can be a powerful tool for influencing them towards your desired outcome. By tapping into their motivations and referencing examples that they admire or reject, you can make your message more compelling and increase your chances of success. So, take the time to learn about someone's heroes and villains, and use that knowledge to guide them towards a positive outcome.
by Sharí | Feb 2, 2019 | B2B Lead Generation, Entrepreneurial Insights, Event & Conference Marketing, Influential Communication, Presence-Forward Marketing & Sales, Thought Leadership
Conversations.
They can lead to powerful moments of realization and revelation. Conversations are how we, as a species, connect, learn, and grow with each other.
And…conversations can be a huge source of stress, anxiety, and missed opportunities. One of the worst moments in any conversation is that terrible awkward silence. Not knowing what to say next can make you panic and worry whether or not you’re making a good impression.
So, today, l’m sharing a few tips that will help you keep that conversational flow going, always.
Tip #1: Visualize Then Clarify
Your first tip is to visualize during the conversation.
Here’s what I mean.
As the other person is speaking and telling you a story, visualize what they’re talking about as if it’s a movie playing in your mind.
They could be telling you about a crazy, kooky thing that happened during their last vacation. Or, they could be telling you something as simple as what happened on their commute to work this morning.
Then, look for knowledge gaps in the story. What’s missing in this movie? Do you know where they were? Who they were with? What time of day it was?
Knowledge gaps are your opportunity to ask clarifying questions, which prompts the other person to elaborate, thus continuing the conversation. Tada!
Here’s a quick example:
New Person: “We had a blast the last time we were here.”
You: “Oh, did you come to last year’s event?” (Notice the “When” knowledge gap)
New Person: “Sure did. That was the year they did the costume contest. It was hysterical.”
More often than not, the other person will likely go down a rabbit hole based on your clarifying question. Asking them a clarifying detail will spark a related thought or memory…and away they go!
More conversation for you to enjoy.
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Tip #2 Repeat phrases
This technique is simple. Just repeat what the other person says.
Of course, at first glance, this technique sounds like a super annoy thing to do. Buuuuut, when this is done well (and not too often) you’ll be amazed at how effective this technique is at getting the other person to continue talking.
And, keeping them talking is one of the best ways to gather influential intelligence.
Here’s what repeating phrases can look like…
New Person: “I just really struggle at networking events?”
You: “Networking events, huh?”
New Person: “Yeah, I just don’t know what to say. I’m not much of an extrovert, but I know these events could help my business.”
Now, there’s a trick here, so pay attention.
You must use a different inflection when you’re repeating their phrases.
For example, going up at the end of a phrase is always a great way to turn a repeated phrase into a question.
Lastly, don’t do this every time it’s your turn to speak. Sprinkling in a few repeated phrases is fine, but doing it too much is really, really awkward.
Tip #3: “Oh, really. What makes you say that?”
This is one of my favorite questions to use when I’m trying to get inside the mind of someone else. This is a fantastic prompting question for many reasons.
First, by saying, “oh really,” you’re signaling to the other person that you’re interested.
Second, the phrase “what makes you say that?” is less threatening and less invasive than asking the question “why” / “why do you say that?”
This is a subtle conversational turn of phrase, but your results will be very different.
The question“why” can be a personal one. “Why” is asking to poke into their inner world and find their internal motivations and rationale. It’s a tad bit invasive.
On the other hand, “what *makes* you say that?” places the “blame,” so to speak, of what they just said on something else – something outside of themselves. “What” is an external reference; “why” is an internal reference.
You will get more honest, thorough, and less defensive answers when you ask “what” instead of “why.”
Tip #4: Appreciate to Investigate
Yes, the title sounds a little cheesy, but this technique packs a conversational punch. Because you can use it anywhere, any time, in any situation.
We all know that sincere flattery builds a connection. Everyone likes to receive compliments and feel validated.
So, practice weaving in more compliments into your conversations.
Tell the other person what you appreciate about them, and follow it up with a question (that’s the investigate part).
You can do this for small things like,
You: “I really love your shoes. Where did you get them?”
New Person: “Oh these? I picked these up at this amazing sale.”
Or bigger things like getting the inside scoop…
You: “I really love your approach to marketing. It’s very personable. How do you think you achieve that?”
You’re more likely to get the information you’re looking for by starting with a genuine compliment.
Tip #5: Provocative Statement
Now, this technique is not for the faint of heart. You have to have a little bravery to use this because it’s…well…provocative.
A provocative statement is a broad conversational category, but, in essence, all you’re doing is saying something that will provoke a response.
Uh, yeah, Sharí, isn’t that what conversations are in general? Provoking a response?
You’re not wrong.
But it’s important to include provocative statements in this conversational tips article because it’s easy to fall into conversational ruts and routines. Think about it. How many conferences have you been to where everyone asks you the same questions:
- Where are you from?
- What do you do?
- How was the flight in?
- Boy, it sure is hot/cold/rainy out today isn’t it?
So. Boring.
And, asking these types of questions puts you on the influential back foot because the person you’re talking to has a ready-to-launch response to those questions. They’ve answered them hundreds of times before.
So, now, you’re in an autopilot conversation. And THAT will NOT help you connect with them.
Try shaking things up! Say something that comes out of left field…
You: “Has anyone else been binge watching murder mysteries on Netflix?”
Talk about something that is different than the usual chit chat…
You: “Did anyone else notice the bartender that looks exactly like Matt Damon?”
Provocative statements make your conversations more fun.
Just be warned. When you use provocative statements, they *will* throw off your conversation partner *just* for a second or two. It’s ok. Wait it out. They’ll recoup.
And when they do, you’ll have a more connected conversation because they’re not giving you their “scripted” responses.
Stay Curious
Ultimately, your focus shouldn’t be on “what should I say next?” Instead, shift to wondering, “What can I learn next?”
What can you learn about this person, their life, how they think, what they feel, what they know, what they’ve experienced?
If you stay curious, you can keep the conversation going.
So, focus on being interest-ed, not interest-ing
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by Sharí | Jul 27, 2017 | Entrepreneurial Insights, Influential Communication
Let’s talk about what it means to be influential.
I’m not talking about being an “influencer” in the modern sense of how many Instagram followers you have or how many people like your Facebook page. (There are plenty of people who know how to game algorithms who couldn’t talk themselves out of a paper bag.)
Today we’re talking about how to be an influential PERSON because when you crack the code on conversational influence, the world opens up to you.
When you’re an influential person, you know how to be compelling, people are interested when you speak, and you can motivate people to take action.
Being influential means:
When you accomplish that, you don’t need to worry about gaming algorithms. You’ll be making bank IN THE REAL WORLD.
And here’s the good news…
You don’t have to crack the code to conversational influence because I’m about to give it to you right now! (Aren’t you happy you came here?!)
The Influential Process
Don’t Start Here…
It’s natural to associate the word “influence” with the words you speak. However, the truth is that the scope of personal influence is more than just the specific words you say in a specific moment. In fact, the influential words you say are the LAST part of the influential process, and it just so happens to be the shortest and smallest part of the process, too!
So, when you need to influence someone’s thoughts, beliefs, or actions, don’t start by asking yourself, “What should I say?” You don’t know what to say yet because you don’t have enough data to determine what is going to influence that particular person.
Instead, the question you need to be asking yourself is, “What do I need to know?” …. But we’ll get there in just a second. First, you need to know where exactly you should start with your influential process.
DO Start Here…
Influence is communication with a goal. Just as Stephen Covey succinctly stated in 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, you should “always start with the end in mind.”
Influential interactions are no different.
Influence requires goal-setting.
What do you want to have happen?
By when?
What resources do you have to accomplish this?
Who are the key players?
What is your timeline?
NOT Influential: Having a vague idea of, “I just want him to agree with me” isn’t specific enough of a target for you to aim for.
INFLUENTIAL: A better influential goal is, “I want him to feel excited about this project and commit to putting an appointment on his calendar for a kick-off date.”
NOT Influential: “I want to sell coaching.”
INFLUENTIAL: “I want her to purchase my 6-month coaching package, pay the full fee upfront today, and put our first session into the calendar.”
The clearer you are about your influential intentions, the easier it is to guide them in that direction.
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The 3-Step Influential Process:
Observe, Connect, Influence
Observe
Your first job as an influencer is to pay attention, look for patterns, and connect the dots.
Everyone has their own unique way of how they want to be persuaded. All you need to do is turn your observational antenna up to find your mark’s influential frequency.
In order to do so, you must stop talking. Remember, the best influence doesn’t start with “What should I say?,” it always begins with, “What do I need to know?”
- What is important to this person?
- What do they value?
- What has persuaded them in the past?
- What beliefs do they have around this topic?
- What puts them in a positive or negative mood?
Observation is the most self-less part of influence.
Be careful not to judge what you discover during the observation phase. Meaning, don’t look down on your mark if they are obsessed with expensive, flashy cars and you think that those types of cars are a sign of stunted manhood. You must see what they see in what they value.
An influencer never tries to push their perspective upon the mark. Instead, an influencer seeks to work WITHIN the mark’s perceived reality.
The observe phase is my favorite phase because it means all the burden of being “influential” is off your shoulders! Just sit back, relax, engage, be interested, and be curious about the person in front of you. How glorious is that?!
Now, I hear your “Yeah But Demon” itching to interject, “Yeah buuuuuuut…what if I have to influence them quickly? What if I don’t have much time for all this observation?”
Ok…
- It doesn’t take as much time as you think. When you know what to look and listen for, you don’t need much time at all. I’ve timed myself on sales calls to see how long in the conversation it takes me to observe enough influential triggers for me to work with and successfully persuade them. The record thus far is 7 minutes. You can easily afford 7 minutes during a meeting to discover pretty much everything you need to be persuasive.
- It doesn’t take much work to get someone to talk about themselves. People enjoy feeling like someone is interested in them. In fact, they long for it. Trust me, you don’t have to browbeat someone to talk about themselves. Once they get rolling, they stop glancing at their watches.
So don’t let a perceived scarcity of time be your excuse for skipping this important step. When the observe phase is done correctly and with confidence, an abundance of time presents itself.
Connect
Connection is the bridge between your observations and your influential objectives.
Without creating a connection, you haven’t earned the right to influence someone.
The most powerful forms of influence are built upon connection. If you try to persuade someone without building that connection, you’re dangerously close to being manipulative and not persuasive.
Be sure to tick off the connection box of the influential process before attempting persuasive tactics. If you jump the gun, you could sabotage your efforts.
Here are a few tell-tale signs that you’ve successfully created that connection. When your mark:
- Repeats you or uses your phrases.
- Demonstrates body language, like nodding and smiling.
- Leans in, s closer proximity to you, or squares up to you.
- Mirror your silhouette.
- Interrupt you to agree with you.
If you notice just 2 or more of these signals, then you’ve accomplished phase 2 of your influential process.
Influence
…. And THEN you can influence them.
After observing and connecting, you and your mark are primed for a successful influential interaction.
Now is the time to say why your product, service, or idea is exactly what your mark wants and needs.
Now, I’ve developed full courses and workshops on this topic and trying to fit it all into a blog post is just not plausible. But here is your amuse bouche for some influential techniques:
1) The Bucket Technique:
Us this technique to get your mark to self-qualify for one of your products or services.
NOT influential: “We have options Good and Better. Which do you like?”
INFLUENTIAL: “Typically, I find that my clients fall into one of 2 categories. In the first, they are wanting to maintain control and deploy the work themselves. And the second group are those who don’t want to worry about it and just have everything taken care for them in the background. Which one sounds most like you and what you’re looking for?”
BOOM! And just like that, your mark is now telling you which package to pitch them! All because you knew how to use the bucket technique.
2) Limit Their Options:
At first glance, this may seem counter-intuitive. How can limitation be influential? Well, it boils down to simple psychology.
Sometimes out of excitement (or desperation) to make a sale, we offer a bunch of options so the prospect has their perfect customized solution.
Don’t do this.
When you offer too many choices, their brain gets overwhelmed and stalls out. You will trigger decision fatigue and your mark will choose the hidden choice: to make no decision at all. Limit their choices and you’ll create a faster path to “yes.”
NOT Influential: You can choose 3 items from column A, 2 items from column B, 3 items from column C, and you also get 4 bonus choices from each column. (WTF.)
INFLUENTIAL: Prior to our meeting, I took some time to think about which of our offerings would best fit you. And because of what we talked about today, I think I have 2 packages that you’d like based on what you’ve shared with me. You let me know which of these feels like the best fit.
3) Reasoning is convincing:
I cannot emphasize enough how freaking influential this is….and yet, I see continually see people miss out on it’s awesomeness because they assume things, take shortcuts, or take the power of this technique for granted.
PLEASE! For your own sake, USE. THIS. Anytime you are trying to 1) convince someone of something, 2) ask for a favor, or 3) are describing the features and benefits of your offering, always follow it up with the word BECAUSE. When you give a reason for your opinion, for your favor, or for your product features, it instantly becomes more convincing.
NOT Influential: We have 24-hour customer service.
INFLUENTIAL: We have 24-hour customer service so that you if you ever run into any problems we are right there to fix it, day or night.
NOT Influential: I think you’ll love the Deluxe plan.
INFLUENTIAL: I think you’ll love the Deluxe plan because you mentioned wanting more accountability, and that’s what this package provides.
NOT Influential: I’d really like to see you take more initiative.
INFLUENTIAL: I’d really like to see you take more initiative because I know that the team respects you and I see some leadership potential in you and I want to best position you for a promotion.
In each of the above non-influential examples, it sounds like you’re just giving lip service to something you should say. But when you add the word because it shows you’ve given it thought and you really care. Now, you may have given it thought and you may have already cared before, but it didn’t show because there was the assumption that just saying it without any reasoning was enough to convey that. It’s not. Make because your new BFF.
When you follow the 3-step influential process – observe, connect, influence – you set yourself up for persuasive success.
And the best part about this process is that yourmark actually enjoys the journey. They don’t feel pressured and bullied. They feel heard and understood. This is how you create positive persuasion.
Are you intrigued by influence? Do you like nerding out over simple adjustments in language that can make a big difference? Do you want to be more confident in your sales and marketing? If so, then we’re cut from the same cloth! I love helping people tap into their persuasive powers – especially when it leads to your professional success. Take the simple step to reach out to me and tell me about yourself. Let’s connect and see if one of my coaching options is right for you.
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by Sharí | Jul 20, 2017 | B2B Lead Generation, Entrepreneurial Insights, Event & Conference Marketing, Influential Communication, Presence-Forward Marketing & Sales, Thought Leadership
Become Your
Most Influential Self!
Don’t miss another update with a persuasive technique you can use today
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Influence isn’t flashy. The persuasive arts are a subtle art form. Just like acting, if you can see it happening, it’s not very good.
The good news is that some of the most persuasive acts don’t require much work. Sometimes simple is influential.
Here the 3 subtle ways to improve your personal influence every day:
Be What You Want to See
This is a life lesson all on its own, but allow me to delve specifically into its influential aspects.
Actions speak louder than words. “Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t fly in the world of persuasion. So, if you’re hoping that a few persuasive phrases will work miracles, think again. People will notice the disconnect and be turned off by it.
I see even good-hearted people make this mistake more often than they realize.
The best example is in meetings and conferences. A manager will talk about how they would like to see more excitement from the group about a new initiative, all while using a judgmental tone mixed with disappointment. Who’s going to get excited about that?!
There’s also a scientific reason why “be what you want to see” is so influential. A relatively new discovery in neuroscience are mirror neurons. While there’s still more to learn, this area of the brain seems to be a significant part of our learning and empathy. Specifically, we tend to feel what we see.
Think about your favorite America’s Funniest Home Videos clip where some poor schlub gets knocked in the balls. You flinch (even if you don’t have a pair yourself). For a split second, your brain feels the pain it witnessed.
Or how about when your favorite sports team (cuz, SPORTS!) scores at a crucial moment? Your heart pounds with excitement and you leap up from your seat to cheer. You feel the win while watching it.
Those experiences are thanks to mirror neurons.
So, when we bring this concept to our daily lives, everyone feels what you project (with the exception of sociopaths). This means that your energy is influential. So before your next pep talk, you want to get yourself in an excited state – not judgmental or disappointed. Before your next sales call, you need to get yourself grounded and centered – not nervous and scared. Before your next heart-to-heart, you need to have a softer and welcoming energy – not hardened and defensive.
Your energy must always match your words. If not, people will notice the mismatch, put up their BS defense shield and second guess your trustworthiness. All of which make influence damn near impossible.
A big part of influence isn’t what you say, it’s how you say it.
A Flash of Recognition
In a split second, someone can feel connected to you. You just need to know how to trigger it.
I first came across this lesson from an Oprah Winfrey episode back in the day. In an episode on parenting, she said something to the effect of, “Your children want to know, Does your face light up when they walk into the room. They notice.”
Of course, this can be said for any relationship. When your significant other comes home from work, do you light up?
How about when you see your coworkers first thing in the morning? Light up? Or darken?
That split second of energy is a key indicator of how you feel towards that person (which they pick up on and react to) AND also dictates further interaction – if it’s going to be positive or not.
Luckily, there is a super simple, quick technique for improve these interactions, thus improving relationships,… thus improving your persuasive power.
The technique comes from The Like Switch by Jack Schafer. Dr. Schafer is a former FBI Special Agent who shares his secrets for connecting with people. (Remember, connection is the second step of the OCI influential process.) Connection increases your likability factor, which makes you more influential..
The technique is simple and straightforward. In fact you do you regularly, but don’t realize it.
Think about a time when you were in a crowd and recognized someone you hadn’t seen in awhile – like, running into a college buddy at a concert. What do you do physically, before ever saying a word, to indicate that you know that person.
I’ll tell you; it’s a universal response.
The flash of recognition looks like this: eyebrows quickly raise, eyelids open wider, a slight head tilt, with a genuine smile.
That’s it! When you practice this signal of recognition, appreciation, and welcoming, those around you will have a positive connotation to the idea of you compared to if you ignore, close off, or take for granted.
Dr. Schafer shares how this one technique is so powerful that he regularly gets favors from people, like free upgrades to first class at airports.
Earn Influential Credit
When someone wants to be influential, the first question they ask themselves is, “What should I say?”
If you’ve been a reader of my blog or attended my speeches, you know that influence is actually the third and final step of the OCI persuasive process – observe, connect, then influence.
Before you worry about, “What should I say?,” you have two big steps to take first – observe and connect.
Which means, being interested is more important than being interesting.
Don’t worry about making yourself seem special, instead make them feel special. Be curious about what they’re talking about. Ask for details. Inquire about the why behind their stories. Everyone is fascinating. Everyone has lived an interesting life. Everyone is complex.Everyone is an interesting mystery to be solved.
You’ll have more influential success when people like who they are when they are around you.
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by Sharí | Jun 8, 2017 | Entrepreneurial Insights, Influential Communication
If there were one character who personified the “dark arts’ of influence, then it’s probably Frank Underwood from House of Cards.
And since I've become known for “bringing the ‘dark arts’ of influence into the light,” I’m going to explain a few of the maneuvers of Frank Underwood for you.
***I will try to avoid spoilers as much as possible, but no promises.***
You might notice that most of the influential highlights come from seasons 1-3. There’s a reason for this. As Frank rises to power throughout the series, he uses fewer skills of conversational influence and begins to default towards straight-up coercion.
I’ve chosen specific principles and techniques that you can (and should) use in your every day life. Frank uses each of these tools for nefarious purposes, but that doesn’t mean that the tools themselves are evil. A hammer can build a shelter, and a hammer can also harm. The hammer is neither good nor bad, the intention with which the hammer is used is. The same is true of each of these techniques.
You can use all of these influential skills to bring more positive influence into the world.
Influence the Influencer
In the first episode, Frank shares a poignant piece of influential advice.
FRANK:
When it comes to the White House, you not only need the keys in your back pocket, you need the gatekeeper. (referring to the President’s Chief of Staff)
When you need to influence someone, you need to know who already influences that person. Whose opinion do they heed. Sometimes the best route to influencing your “mark” - the person you want to influence - is to actually build rapport with the person who already has influence over your “mark” and get them to do the convincing.
This comes up again later in the series when Frank says,
FRANK:
The president is like a tree, bending which ever way the wind blows. And Raymond Tusk's wind blows a little too strongly for my taste.
Frank knows that he has a strong opponent to either win over or remove from the equation. He is always aware of who holds sway over his “mark.”
Influence is Communication with a Goal
As a viewer, we have no idea of what Frank is up to, nor the scope of his schemes. But, it is clear that from day one, Frank and Claire have their plan.
The Underwoods exhibit a critical persuasive principle: influence is communication with a goal.
In episode one, Claire hints to their massive plans when she says, “This is going to be a big year for us.”
That quote also highlights another influential principle that most people struggle with…
Know Your Influential Timelines
People often associate the term influence with a single conversation. They believe that you are influential in one moment. But the best influencers know that influence requires time and strategy.
Influence is actually a 3-step process: 1) Observe, 2) Connect, 3) Influence.
If you try to jump to the 3rd step (influence) without learning your “mark’s” influential drivers (observe) and without building rapport (connect), then you might bungle the whole deal.
For example, CIA agents will plan for a year or more for turning an asset.
Every step counts. Don’t skip them.
Frank highlights his awareness of the necessary steps and the time it takes when he says, “You can't turn a no to a yes without a maybe in between."
This is a particularly difficult lesson for our era of instant gratification. Most people aren’t wired for long term planning - especially when we really want to land a big business deal.
Just remember, that the bigger the opportunity, the longer your influential timeline might need to be.
Suspended Ego
Frank Underwood seems to be pure ego in action, but he also knows the importance of suspending his ego when it will serve his greater purpose.
When he finds out that he won’t be named Secretary of State, even though he was promised the position, he is at an impasse. He could tell them all to go to hell, but instead he makes the smarter move. He doesn’t burn bridges.
He responds, “Whatever the President needs.” He knows it’s more important to be perceived as a team player than be ousted from the group. By suspending his ego, he is able to adjust his plans and continue to influence from the inside.
Of course, his ego is only suspended. When he gets a moment to himself, he let his anger and frustration out by smashing his cabinet at home.
Which is more important: your ego or the mission? That’s a question you must answer in many influential endeavors.
The Familiarity Principle
We watch Frank’s climb to power by how close he is to the President during press events. At first, he’s barely in the shot, then he’s only one or two people removed from the President, and then he is standing right behind him during the State of the Union.
In his words…
FRANK:
Power is a lot like real estate. It's all about location, location, location. The closer you are to the source, the higher your property value.
A related influential lesson is the familiarity principle. This basically states that people tend to build a preference for things simply because they have been exposed to them often enough. This is also called the mere-exposure effect. It’s the reason why companies spend so much in advertising and product placement. They want you to become familiar with their brand so that you develop a preference towards it.
There is personal application for this principle as well. If you want to influence someone, plan out how they can regularly be exposed to you. Attend events that they will be at, communicate periodically, and include video conversations in your plan because you want them to see and hear you. Video is much more influential than email.
Quid Pro Quo
Everything about House of Cards is give and take - with the emphasis on take. Even though Frank’s angle is always to someone’s detriment, there is a lesson to be learned here: the Law of Reciprocity.
In general, the Law of Reciprocity goes like this: someone is more likely to do you a favor if you have done something or given something to them first.
The interesting thing about the Law of Reciprocity is that you can likely get a return on value that well exceeds the value that you initially gave. Frank is aware of this when he helps Edward Meechum get back on his security detail.
FRANK:
It requires very little of me and will mean the world to him. It's a very inexpensive investment.
Simple favors can have a significant ROI. And Frank is right because that one favor earned him a highly loyal servant.
Frank also twists reciprocity into something much more diabolical when he says, “Generosity is its own form of power.”
Appeal to the Higher Self
There is only one glimmer of positive influence from Frank Underwood in the series. It is when he convinces Congressman Russo to get sober and not have a drink for a month so that he can run for Governor. A month goes by and Russo accomplishes the task. He returns to Frank saying the he’s prepared and ready to run.
When they conclude the meeting, Frank says, "Peter, I feel like I just met you for the first time right now” - implying he’s a changed man now that he’s sober. Frank is positively reinforcing Russo’s behavior. With this, he is appealing to Russo’s higher self.
Everyone has a vision for themselves--the person they know they can become. One of the best positive ways to influence someone is to show them how your idea will help them attain their higher self.
Of course, in House of Cards this positive technique is overshadowed by Frank’s bigger plans.
Strategic Confession
Frank (almost) gets caught in one of his schemes when the President’s Chief of Staff directly asks him if he helped her son get into Stanford in hopes that she would help him get appointed to a high level position. She clearly has figured it out and she puts him on the spot.
Most people would panic, but not Frank.
He knows how to leverage the moment to actually make himself seem even more trustworthy. He uses the opportunity to make a strategic confession. He confirms all of her suspicions. And because she feels like she finally has the whole story (which she really doesn’t), she feels comfortable enough to move forward with their plan.
Making concessions or sharing your flaws can actually be highly influential. I outline this specific technique in more detail in this article.
Use Their Words, Not Yours
Once again Frank takes a blow when he finds out that the President wants to nominate someone else, Raymond Tusk, instead of Frank.
And once again, Frank is faced with the need to suspend his ego so that he can serve is bigger mission.
When the President asks Frank what he thinks about the idea, Frank responds,
FRANK:
I think that Raymond Tusk is an exciting, bold idea.
Clearly, Frank doesn’t share what he actually thinks. He did something even smarter.
Frank chose those words - “exciting” and “bold” - specifically because he was told prior to the meeting that that’s how the President felt about the decision. Frank used the President’s words - instead of his own - which made the President feel good and validated.
Be aware of the specific words your “mark” uses to describe a person, situation, thing, or their feelings. When the opportunity presents itself, use those keywords in conversation and you’ll get the same effect that Frank did. They will feel heard. They will feel validated. They will feel like you “get” them.
Door in the Face Technique
Sometimes the most influential thing you can do is NOT get what you want.
This is known as the “door in the face” technique. This is when you purposefully ask for something that you know the other person is likely to say no to. The theory is that if they have said no to you for one thing, they are more likely to comply to the next...or the next. When done well, you trigger the “mark’s” desire to be polite and helpful and they are more likely to work with you because they did, after all, already shut you down on one thing.
Or, in Frank’s words:
FRANK:
The only thing more satisfying than convincing someone to do what I want is failing to persuade them on purpose. It's like a do not enter sign. It just begs you to walk in the door.
A Partner in Persuasion
Here’s the it’s-so-obvious-that-you-probably-missed-it influential lesson of House of Cards. Frank isn’t working alone. He has Claire with him. They create their plan together. They adjust to the unexpected together. They role play through critical conversations together.
This is directly reflected with the world’s best influencers as well. Field agents have their handlers to plan with. Some of the biggest cons are done with a team. Trial attorneys role play with fellow attorneys within the firm. Hostage negotiators will have a team of other law enforcement officers feeding them information.
Business professionals need the same amount of influential support as anyone else. You need someone to bounce ideas off of. You need another pair of eyes on marketing materials before a launch. You need to role play a negotiation for a massive deal. You need someone to build a cohesive strategy that leads you to your goal.
Find your partner in persuasion.
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